I had to let go of some relationships in my life because I realized that the connection wasn’t a positive one. You go through some things in life that truly shed meaning on things you hear, but don’t truly take the time to understand their meaning. For me that statement was “misery loves company”. One of the worst things you can do is look to a negative person when you are also in a negative state of mind for advice.
For an example, if you are having relationship issues, the last person you want to get advice from is someone going through a bad breakup or also having relationship issues. Or if you are contemplating divorce, the last thing you want to do is talk to someone that is going through a bad divorce. If you are depressed or just having a bad day, the last thing you should do is talk to a negative person if your goal is to get out of that state. Energies are real and it took me a long time to realize just how impactful other peoples’ energies had on me and my state of mind. Which is why I’m very careful with who I let in or seek advice from.
It’s not that people are incapable of providing good advice when they are in a bad place, it’s just that at times their current state of mind or feelings towards something is based on their own bias and current experiences. At times when we are in the midst of things, it is hard to focus on the positive. It is also harder to separate ourselves from the situation and see things from the lens of what is best for that person and not ourselves. Especially if that person is someone we love. It is also true that some people simply enjoy being negative and don’t have anything positive to offer.
Think back to conversations you’ve had with people when you were in a bad place, sad, depressed or in the middle of conflict. Now recall whether or not that advice given was positive or negative. Did you leave the conversation feeling uplifted or did your feelings intensify? Now think about the state of mind that person was in. Did they have any personal conflict going on in their own life that impacted the advice given? If the roles were reversed, would you have provided the same advice? Now that the situation has passed and you’ve had time to reflect, how would you rate that advice?
This is not to be confused with real advice vs. sugar coated advice. For an example, a friend that is telling you the truth about something you did wrong. One thing I must say I love about my best friend, is her ability to be honest with me when I’m wrong. When I’ve confided in her about fights, I was having with my husband for whatever reason, she was always honest when she thought I was the one in the wrong. I may have felt shocked and betrayed in the moment for not immediately siding with me, but after I sat with her reasoning and saw things from a different point of view, I realized she was right. That’s what you want in the person you are seeking advice from. Honesty. Unbiased Honesty.
Finding these kinds of relationships can be difficult at times. Energies are so easy to transfer that many of us jump into action before we think of the impact our words may have on the situation. I’m sure many of us have been guilty of being that negative person at one point or another in our lives. Before I made being a positive person a focus of mine, I remember back in the day when someone would call me to complain about a boyfriend or conflict they were having, and my first response was usually “when and where do I need to pull up”. Especially if one of my nieces called me about something. What was the intent of that message? Or better yet, what were they seeking from me that I denied them of by immediately going to a negative place with the conversation? The truth is relationships require work. Friendships, family bonds, marriages, all of the above. Where there is a bond with more than one person, there will always be the opportunity for conflict. We are all different, and those differences lead to differences in seeing things. Every bad situation does not require a negative response.
So how do you avoid being that negative energy when someone comes to you for advice. Here are some pointers I’d like to share based on my personal experience.
For starters I’ve realized that most often than not when people are going through things and reach out to you, they simply want to talk and get a load off. They are not always looking for you to tell them what to do. Offering words of encouragement like I’m here, I see you, and telling them that things are going to work themselves out is impactful.
Know when and how to recommend professional help. Seeking help for mental health continues to be something that gets a bad rep in society. But honestly speaking to a therapist to deal with some of the trauma in my life has been the best thing in helping me move forward and finding true happiness. Whenever possible, I recommend this to people that come to me for help. Not because I don’t want to be an ear because I love to be there for anyone that comes to me. I just know that there is a different level of honesty that comes when you’re truly open to someone you don’t know and are not afraid of judging you. That level of honesty and vulnerability allows a full picture to be created and can help you work through solutions on your own.
Remember that people are different. Just because your relationship, marriage, or whatever situation ended negatively, does not mean this person’s situation is the same. Don’t feel the need to be negative or focus on what didn’t work for you. Allow them to share their thoughts and determine what they truly want. Offer genuine honest advice based on what they want.
Work on you and your energy. Are you happy? If not, work towards the things that will make you happy so that you are not taking things out on others.
And most importantly, If someone works through something before you, be happy for them. Do not try to keep others in a negative state of mind, simply because you are in that state and want company.
What do you all think? I'm pretty sure we all can look at our call log or timeline and know who the positive and negative energy people are in our lives. You don't have to delete these people, but I guarantee if you put more control over the frequency in which you let them in pour their energy on to you, it will be a life changing experience.
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